It has finally happened. My last born has started school. I no longer have a baby. The funny thing is, I am not sad at all. I am in fact quite proud. I have done it! Survived the baby years. Her excitement is infectious. Not sure if this excitement is due to her escaping me or it's because she is now a big girl. I am so grateful that I have such amazing children. Especially when I watch the other children and parents balling their eyes out. While my baby girl is herding the other children and calming them down.
Not so long ago she was born and I was dying from lack of sleep. From here on out she will just become more and more independent. I have also joined the teenage train with my son. Regardless what anyone else thinks/says about my parenting skills, I have these two wonderful and compassionate angels.
Of course there are days that I sit and wonder if I should consider conception again. Then I remember, I am over it.
This is now my time to take care of me. To figure myself out. Get to know who I am or was. I seem to have forgotten who that person should be. This certainly has not been an easy journey. Have started numerous self searching tasks. There has definitely been personal improvements. Learning to avoid negativity, soul searching has nearly pushed me to breaking point. Regardless I have grown so much in matter of days. Also have learnt to fight my own Bogeyman (Depression).
The other thing that struck me was when I was asked for two unique personal qualities. I was ashamed and disappointed in myself when I realized I couldn't answer such a simple question.
If anyone, I should be able to answer that, yet I found myself sitting and becoming frustrated with myself. I eventually got to the point where I considered asking others for the answer. When I realized how can I expect them to have the answer when I lacked it myself.
I have given so much of me to everyone else, I see now that I need me more than they will. Regardless where life leads me, or who may enter and exit my life. I will be the only person who will live with me FOREVER! It is certainly a scary thought that I will be/have been living with a complete stranger. Have I ever truly known this person? How can I expect anyone to like me or get to know me? Who is this "Me" I keep referring to, by the way?
How and where do I find these answers. It's unfortunate that I can't simply enter the question into Google Search Engine and get a quick answer. I have been searching for the answer for two days now. Maybe I am not asking myself the right questions?
There really should be a manual when becoming a mommy. As well as a warning. What to expect. What you should hold on too. What you risk losing...
Well...I guess I need to get back to my soul searching. Figure out where I am. Where I am going. Where I would like to be. It is a difficult thinking of myself as 'a person'. As I have become rather comfortable being 'mommy'!
